Queer Awakenings and the Middle-Aged Actress

Last month, my external hard drive failed and sent every piece of media saved on it into oblivion.  It was the shit topping of an already terrible year. My hard drive had nearly every movie, television show, interview and convention appearance Mary McDonnell has ever appeared in/at. My Mary folder was the culmination of hundreds of hours of searching the internet, downloading, lamenting the terrible quality of older YT videos, ripping DVDs, and trading with other Mary fans to fill out our collections. It was a near-complete anthology of Mary’s work.  And, in one corruption, it was all gone.  I was (and still am) devastated.

Hot on the heels of my Christmas to New Years rewatch of Battlestar Galactica, I began the arduous task of rebuilding my collection. This evening, in my searching, I stumbled across a fan video that I had never seen before. I paused my efforts to watch it. I’m not sure what my expectations were, but they were exceeded in every way imaginable.

Senior Year: A Nonfiction Musical from CASH|MARY on Vimeo.

Initially, I was pulled in by the title because of an inside joke between a friend and I last year. I almost didn’t survive the video when the first song began. However, I pushed through and I am so glad that I did. I was dumbfounded at how these people had stolen my life. Topics I have discussed in the last 24 hours include: The line “Fuck you too, Carlos” in Passion Fish, Mary’s hair, Mary’s legs, Mary’s giggling, and Mary’s mouth. It is a fair assessment that I relate to this video on a spiritual level.

Once I finished wondering how these people turned my life into a short, I found myself considering the significance of the lead character’s queer awakening courtesy of Mary McDonnell.

“I’ve come to realize this afternoon

Mary makes me swoon.

I think I might be kind of gay for Mary.”

There is more truth in these lyrics than one would believe. I have a group of friends who have all, at one point in their lives or another, gone through a “Mary phase”. While I am by far the most outspoken of the group – and most likely to post on social media and bug my non-fandom friends with my constant Mary talk – we all are/have been attracted to Mary McDonnell.

There are dozens of women in their twenties and thirties walking around this world at any given moment daydreaming about Mary McDonnell.  Don’t believe me? All you have to do is go to the Mary McDonnell tag on Tumblr.  You will find women falling all over themselves for Mary.

blogHere’s a small sampling of my favorite tags taken off a run-of-the-mill picture of Mary as Sharon Raydor on TNT’s Major Crimes.

While Mary McDonnell is my own personal favorite brand of hilarious, fiercely feminist, outspoken, middle-aged woman who refuses to take herself too seriously, I recognize that she is not every woman’s cup of tea. Nearly every older actress in Hollywood today has a group of significantly younger queer fans.

For many queer female fans, these older women are not only crushes; they serve as a girl’s ‘queer awakening’. Queer awakenings are those magical, terrifying moments when a person realizes that they are not straight. Many, many moons ago when I was first experiencing this phenomenon I developed a massive, very scary crush on one of my co-workers. Since I was about 75% sure she was het and I was not at all comfortable with expressing my confusing emotions at that time, I turned to a safer alternative: my blossoming attraction to Olivia Benson on Law and Order: SVU.

Law & Order: Special Victims  Unit -- Season 15 There’s a 0% chance that I’m the only one who’s ever had a queer awakening thanks to Olivia Benson

More recently, I was privy to a dear friend’s awakening. One moment she was completely confident in her heterosexuality.  The next moment, she found herself questioning her identity. All it took was Mary McDonnell and a sugar cube. Ok, and maybe a fair amount of soul searching…

The circumstances vary for each woman, but there are always astounding similarities.

  • One of my dear friends is madly in love with Cher – who’s only about 5 decades older than her
  • Another friend has a serious thing for Carla Gugino (who is the youngest actress in this blog post – but still a full decade older than my friend)
  • My best friend shares my tastes and is smitten with both Mary McDonnell and Amanda Tapping.
  • Then there are all of my Tumblr friends falling all over themselves most recently for Sidse Babett Knudsen from Westworld.

While this is all rather anecdotal, there is growing evidence to support this phenomenon. In Allure’s first “Anti-Aging” survey, they found that “LGBT respondents are more likely to be attracted to people older than them by more than 10 years compared to straight respondents” (Source).

Maxim is well known for their Hot 100 in which the men’s magazine ranks the hottest female celebrities of the year.  Similarly, After Ellen – a site for queer women – comprises their own list ranking “the hottest women, according to women.” While the politics of ‘ranking’ women according to physical attractiveness is a post for another day, it’s important to remember that we all find people attractive. There is merit in examining these two lists because the lists’ demographics provides an excellent contrast between what heterosexual men and queer women find attractive.

Maxim’s list features 3 women over the age of 40: Sofia Vegara (44), Eva Longoria (42), and Penelope Cruz (42).  All of these women fall into the bottom half of the list with Penelope Cruz ranking highest.

By contrast, After Ellen’s list features 22 women in their 40s. Two women in their 50s make the list: Jennifer Beals (53) and Mariska Hargitay (52). There are also two women in their 60s: Dana Delany (60) and Lorraine Bracco (62).  With the exception of Jennifer Beals, who comes in at 77th, the women over 50 land in the top half of the list.  Mariska ranks the highest at 29th – putting her squarely in the top third.

Not only is After Ellen’s list comprised of older women, those women rank higher up the list. While Penelope Cruz (41) holds the 64th spot on Maxim’s list, Angie Harmon (44) is the highest ranking woman over 40 on After Ellen’s Hot 100.  Angie Harmon holds the 5th spot. Danielle Cormack (46) holds the 9th spot and Sasha Alexander (43) is 11th.

There are as many women over the age of 40 in After Ellen’s Top 15 as there are in Maxim’s entire list.

The average age of Maxim’s Hot 100 is 28.42 years old.  After Ellen’s average age is 33.17 years old.

blog-chartFor more visual people, let the charts speak for themselves.  Women skew towards older female celebrities more than men do – in every measurable way.

While it’s impossible to know the ages of women responding to After Ellen’s ranking, it’s obvious that they find a wide range of female celebrities attractive.

So what’s the point of all of this? That “serious kink for women twice my age” trait isn’t as unusual as you might think it is. If you find yourself swooning over an older actress, you are far from alone. Sexuality is a complicated and dynamic human trait. It does not fit into the tight constraints that society often tries to force it into. Exploring one’s sexuality with celebrities or fictional characters is a completely normal practice. In some instances, it can provide a safe alternative not available in the real world – especially if you live in a conservative atmosphere. So you go on and do your thing. Love that older lady in all of her perfection!

And, if you find yourself falling for Mary McDonnell in particular, please come find me.  I haven’t discussed Mary’s legs in about twelve hours now and I can already feel myself going through withdrawal!



When a good show goes bad

I love Mary McDonnell.  And not in a little, hey I respect her and enjoy watching her work kind of way. It’s more of a Hi, nice to meet you.  I’m Sarah.  Do you know who Mary McDonnell is – because if you don’t I’m about to fix that for you! kind of way. I love her in a gigantic, spend all of my money following her up and down the East Coast kind of way. All of my friends and family know that there is this Mary person that I’m consumed with, even if they aren’t familiar with her work.

So, when I decided to stop watching Major Crimes last year, it came as a surprise to many people – myself included. Major Crimes has many problems: it under-utilizes Mary’s talent (to the point that she began a podcast to appease the increasingly angry fans and give a voice to her character); it focuses far too extensively on Rusty Beck who is not a member of the Major Crimes unit; and it seriously lacks good female representation. However, I continued to watch the program because of my devotion to seeing Mary’s face every week. The breaking point finally came through the show’s perpetuation and glorification of harassment and emotionally abusive relationships.

We all know the story. A woman doesn’t have any interest in a man beyond friendship. That, of course, doesn’t stop him from trying to pressure her into dating him. He misleads his friends and family into believing that there is more to the relationship than there is. When his deception sees the light of day, he tries to gaslight the woman into accepting his lies as fact. This man is Andy Flynn and the fact that Major Crimes felt that this was an acceptable means of navigating Andy and Sharon (Mary’s character) into a relationship is disgusting. I wonder if the writers sat around in a circle and thought to themselves let’s set up Andy and Sharon. But, let’s make sure that we do it in the most repulsive way possible!

Andy Flynn is the stereotypical “nice guy”. The only thing missing is his fedora. He lies to his family and misrepresents his relationship with Sharon – telling them all that they are dating.  Oh, but it’s cute, he’s so awkward! the fandom screams. Andy is confronted with his lies in front of his daughter and Sharon’s son.  Instead of confessing and apologizing to this woman that he claims to have profound respect for, he insists that they are in fact dating, even if Sharon doesn’t realize it.  When Sharon continues to protest, Andy enlists the help of Sharon’s teenage son.  No Mom, it’s true.  You two are totally dating. Thank goodness that young Rusty was present, otherwise Sharon may have believed that she had some agency – and therefore some choice – in the matter. The fact that the fandom bought into this bull was only further proof that it was time for Major Crimes and I to part ways.


This is classic gaslighting.  Andy is challenging Sharon’s reality, attempting to convince her that her perception of their relationship is wrong, and that his is right.  Even though any rational adult knows that two people are only dating when they both consent to it, Andy forgoes Sharon’s consent and insists they are together because it’s what he wants. Sharon is an intelligent, capable, mature woman. She does not need a man to tell her how she feels.

If Sharon had a single female friend outside of her workplace (or even a female in the writers’ room), those friends would be telling her to get out. Yesterday. They would assure her that Flynn’s behavior is downright creepy and not at all acceptable.  They would tell her to file a complaint with HR. They would offer to kick his puny ass. They would absolutely remind her over and over again that she is an intelligent, grown woman and no one gets to dictate to her who she is dating – not even her teenage son. Because the real life Andys aren’t cute or awkward – they’re assholes. Hollywood must stop normalizing this type of abusive behavior. It is terrible storytelling and perpetuates harmful ideas.

I love Mary McDonnell – but I love honest female representation even more.



Bi Visibility Day

September 23rd in Bi Visibility Day. While LGBT members have made huge strides over the last two decades in media representation, bisexual characters are still widely under-represented.  To celebrate today and bring awareness of Bi Visibility in media, I’ve compiled a list of my favorite bisexual characters.  All of these characters are identified as bisexual either by screen depiction or subtext. This list does slant to the sci-fi end of the spectrum, but that’s because I’m me and I know what I like. Here’s my Favorite Bisexual Characters!


9) James Watson and John Druitt (Sanctuary) – “You don’t know how much you hurt her.” “Her?  Or you?” These two were as in love with each other as they each were with Helen Magnus. Yes, I am cheating right off the bat and tying James and John for 9th.  But I couldn’t possibly choose one over the other – especially when I prefer them together. You will find an absurd number of Sanctuary characters on this list.  I make no apologies for the show’s willingness to show bisexual characters, or my ability to love them all.


8) Dr. Eleanor O’Hara (Nurse Jackie) – the newest addition to the list, I will admit that I am only currently on the third season of Nurse Jackie. Dr. Eleanor O’Hara is definitely the highlight of the show for me. She is snarky, hilarious, fiercely loyal to her friends, a total mess at times, and dating a woman named Sarah Khouri (no seriously, you can’t make this stuff up)! Best of all, Eleanor’s sexuality is never treated any differently than any other character’s – and it certainly isn’t the most interesting thing about her.  That honor goes to Eleanor’s complete inability to button any shirt she’s wearing.


7) Cosima Neihaus (Orphan Black) – Cosima Neihaus became a favorite the moment that she professed her sexuality wasn’t the most interesting thing about her. While viewers have to settle for Word of God confirmation when it comes to Cosima’s sexuality, that’s not enough for me to knock her off the list. It’s been a long road watching Cosima struggle to find a cure for her illness before she succumbs to it.  The loss of Delphine didn’t exactly make things any easier on her. I’m saddened to know that next season is the last for Orphan Black but still holding out hope for Cosima’s cure – especially now that Delphine is back.


6) Dr. Callie Torres (Grey’s Anatomy) – In a lot of ways, I think of Callie Torres as the fairy godmother of bisexual characters. Thanks to Sara Ramirez and Shonda Rhimes, Callie was allowed to explore her sexuality in an honest way that lead her from the belief that she is straight to her first w|w relationship with Erica Hahn, and her eventual marriage to Arizona Robbins. While many of her stories revolved initially around Callie’s newly discovered sexuality, it never felt like a plot device and mirrored, in many ways, real life late-bloomers.


5) Sister Clarice Willow (Caprica) – If I had to choose a psychotic school headmistress bent on death and destruction in the name of the One True God, it would have to be Clarice Willow. Clarice is part of a group marriage, in which she has numerous husbands and wives.  She’s also attempted to seduce a school girl, and Amanda Graystone – the mother of a murdered student. Clarice is deliciously evil and I can’t help but root for her on some level even if she is the embodiment of the evil bisexual trope.


4) Captain Jack Harkness (Doctor Who) – How does one even explain the majesty of Jack Harkness?  A former conman from the 51st century, Captain Jack is a joy in the sense that he genuinely finds everyone attractive.  He finds the beauty in every creature that he encounters.  He is funny, flirty, and a pure joy to watch (On DW at least, not so much on Torchwood). Doctor Who manages to walk the thin line between Jack’s openness and comfort with his identity, and the feeling of gratuitous bisexuality.  No one ever takes issue with Jack’s sexuality, and that makes it easier for viewers to accept it as well.


3) Dr. Michelle Kessler (Inhuman Condition) – If you haven’t watched the web-series Inhuman Condition yet, I cannot recommend it highly enough. I’m not even saying that just because of my massive crush on Torri Higginson (but it doesn’t exactly hurt).  It is an amazing series that draws viewers in quickly and keeps their attention throughout.  The highlight of the series is Dr. Michelle Kessler, who self-identifies as bisexual in the fifth episode.  This is phenomenal when you consider the fact that the only other character on this list to use the term is Callie Torres (and it took her seven seasons to use the word bisexual).  When the series begins Michelle is separated from her wife and seeking comfort from her ex-husband (hey, I never said Michelle made smart relationship choices!).  Later, after the ex-husband acts like an ass and nearly gets Michelle killed, it’s back to the wife, Rachel.


2) Nikola Tesla (Sanctuary) – I really cannot overstate my love of Nikola Tesla. His genius, his wit, his sheer ego, they all delight me to no end.  Before he had even spoken his first words, I was already infatuated with him. His shameless flirting with Helen Magnus stole my heart in ways it probably shouldn’t have.  When he showed a very piqued interest in Lieutenant Hallman (“Normandy”) it became clear to me that Nikola was bisexual. Apparently, the very obvious subtext between Nikola and Hallman wasn’t as clear to everyone else.  However, I challenge you to go back and re-watch both the scene in which Nikola opens the bottle of champagne and when he uncovers Hallman’s secret.  If you still believe Nikola’s straight then I really don’t even know how you’ve made it this far on my blog.


1.) Helen Magnus (Sanctuary) – The queen of my heart is also the queen of this list. What’s better than a bisexual character? How about an immortal bisexual character who is as crazy as the day is long. Helen Magnus has had plenty of romantic entanglements in her 279 trips around the sun, including a relationship with Amelia Earhart.  Helen’s sexuality was confirmed in the season four episode “Monsoon” when Helen and Charlotte Benoit shared a passionate kiss – or two – after a rather daring escape. It’s worth noting that the second kiss had not been scripted.  Amanda Tapping felt that it was important to show that Helen was attracted to Charlotte and welcomed the attention.

And there you have it! Do you agree with my list? Are there any other bisexual characters you think I should check out? I’d love to hear all about them!

Happy Bi Visibility Day to you all!



The Book of Daniel’s Greatest Sin

Recently, for one of my grad classes, we used the short-lived television show The Book of Daniel as a case-study.


The series revolves around an Episcopal priest with a dysfunctional home-life that threatens to wreck his ministry. The show was pulled from the air after its fourth episode due to “low ratings,” per the network. The series was plagued by outcry from Conservative Christian groups who complained and boycotted (without the inconvenience of ever watching to see what they were supposedly outraged by) about the way that the show portrayed the priest, his family, and Christianity.

The show’s theme overall did not bother me.  I wish that it had been more entertaining, more thought provoking, but it wasn’t necessarily terrible.  It may have even come into its own given more time.  Now, I grew up in a religious home.  My grandfather is a Southern Baptist Preacher (about as conservative as you can get). He’s spent his entire adult life in churches.  He would despise this show, and if you asked him, he’d say that his family is nothing like the family portrayed in The Book of Daniel. But, it’s more alike than he’d like to admit.  All families have damaged people, all families struggle to accept each other, and every single person has secrets they don’t want others to know.  That’s a commonality of life.

I didn’t take issue with the series idea.  However, there is one aspect which I absolutely could not tolerate. The protagonist, Daniel Webster, has a sister Victoria Conlin. When Victoria’s husband Charlie turns up dead (after running off with the church’s new building fund), it is revealed that Victoria has been having an affair with Charlie’s former secretary, Jessie. Victoria was in love with a man, now she is in love with a woman.  When Jessie leaves, Victoria embarks on a new relationship with another man. (That’s man. Woman. Man. For those of you keeping count)

Victoria is obviously an omnisexual character.  She has exhibited romantic and sexual attraction to both men and women. And yet, over and over again, through out the episodes, she’s referred to as a lesbian.  She’s in a lesbian with a woman now, so she must be a lesbian.  Even though she was married to her husband for decades, that is all invalid because she is a lesbian. Between the show, the lecture, and additional readings for the lecture, I saw Victoria mislabeled over, and over, and over again.


The amount of bi-erasure in this week’s lesson had me feeling like Mugatu!!

It is, of course, no wonder that if the show mislabels Victoria’s character, that professors and media critics will follow suit. That makes it no less disheartening.  It would not be so irritating if The Book of Daniel and Victoria Conlin were the exception, but there are very much the rule.

At first I got mad.  Then I decided that getting mad would not add anything constructive to the dialogue. So, instead, I decided to make a very handy flow chart for all show runners, script writers, media industry employees and scholars in these (less than) confusing instances!



Read it.  Learn it.  It’s not that hard.  It’s the 21st century, people!  It is high time that we stop mislabeling and invalidating people’s sexuality.


Our Fangirl Foremothers

Yesterday was Helen Magnus’s 279th birthday.  As an avid Sanctuary fan I celebrated the day with an obligatory Facebook status noting the importance of the day. As well, I shared one of the many Helen Magnus fan videos I’ve created over the past few years. Seriously, sometimes I don’t know what my normal friends would do if I didn’t bring so much culture into their lives.  They should really appreciate my efforts far more than they do. Later, I engaged in typical fangirl speculation with my friends regarding what gifts the rest of The Five yes they are still alive. This is MY game. would be giving Helen for her birthday this year (Nikola’s gift would be an expensive bottle of wine that he’d then drink two-thirds of).


279 years old and still slaying

I have been a fangirl since the first time I realized there were people on television worth fangirling over. I’ve been an avid Star Trek fan for as long as I can remember.  I am named after a Star Trek character. I remember when Star Trek VI came out and my parents pulled  my brothers and me out of school early to go see it.  The first time I picked up a package of hair dye, it was because I wanted my hair color to match Angela Chase’s from My So Called Life. I was already rocking the Dana Scully hair bob. When my son was five, I dragged him to our first convention. I made the seven hour trip to Philadelphia twice in three weeks in order to see Mary McDonnell’s play The Cherry Orchard.  I have written academic papers on Doctor Who, Battlestar Galactica, Sanctuary, and Star Trek Voyager. I was even on a panel at San Diego Comic Con last year! At the time of posting this, I am actively stalking an upcoming convention’s website to find out which day one of my faves is going to be there (If you could get on that, Creation, you could save my poor brain a lot of stress).  Very few people would question my fangirl credentials.

Thanks mostly to the internet, I live in a world that accepts – even if it still doesn’t understand – geek culture. While the acceptance of geeks has been on the upswing since the turn of the century, it wasn’t always so easy for those of us who loved science-fiction, superheroes, fantasy or other less “mainstream” entertainment.

When I was in high school, I was the only person I knew who watched Star Trek. When friends would find out that I watched Voyager religiously, they would say things like “I never would have thought that,” or “Really? You like Star Trek?” My personal favorite was always “You don’t look like a Star Trek fan.” Nearly two decades later I’m still not sure what a Star Trek fan is supposed to look like. I never hid the fact that I was a Trekkie (I recently found an old Spanish assignment in which I’d talked about Kate Mulgrew).  But I  did not embrace it in the way that I do now.

Part of this is due to the fact that when I turned 30 I stopped giving a frak about what other people thought of me. But part of it is also due to the changing perception of what it means to be a fan. Even still, female fans have always had to contend with a double standard that male fans have not. Many female fans have to pass litmus tests or be deemed fake geek girls by fanboys. If you find yourself in this situation I have one piece of advice.  Tell those fanboys to go to hell because you should never have to prove your right to enjoy fandom  to anybody. Here’s one of my favorite responses to the “fake geek girl” myth.

While I don’t want to get into the sexist internal aspects of fandom, because that will derail my post, I will point out that it’s still much more acceptable for a man to be obsessed with a television show, comic book, or video game than it is for a woman. In recent years, women have become more vocal about fighting back and defending their right to exist within the world of fandom.  But there’s still a lot of room for improvement.

All of this is bringing me to a point, I promise.  Yesterday afternoon I was having lunch with my mom. After I told her that it was Helen’s birthday, she delightfully made a Facebook post of her own noting the significance of the day.  She’d told me earlier this week that she missed Sanctuary. Earlier this year I’d convinced her to watch.  Right now she’s making her way through Stargate SG-1. And when she gets through that I’ll introduce her to the love of my life, Laura Roslin.

She told me about a game she plays, and how she modeled her world after Chulak…complete with pyramids, a sarcophagus, and implied Goa’uld technology. At this point, my son interrupted her and told her that she was ridiculous. And I watched all of the joy fade out of her face. My son and I had a small come to Jesus moment about how insulting other people’s interests is rude and uncalled for. Then we talked about how everybody geeks out to something. My mom said that she gets that same response whenever she expresses something she likes….people tell her that her interest is weird.

Now, I’ve seen my share of ridicule and attempts at shaming over my fangirling.  But I also have a devoted, strong group of fangirl friends and you’ve not seen supportive, until you’ve had fangirl friends! Between our Situations and Feels Emergencies, we support each other fully, remind each other that our fangirl interests are valid, and above all else we remind each other that “normals” are just jealous of how committed and passionate we are. Ok, that last one might be a stretch.

Seriously though, my mom grew up in a time when she was taught to be embarrassed by her fangirl tendencies. She was scorned or ridiculed because she dared to enjoy things fully.  She was denied the ability to reach her full fangirl potential because it wasn’t socially acceptable. She wasn’t given the opportunity to connect with dozens of other girls or women across the world who liked the same things that she did.

What’s a modern fangirl to do when presented with such a dilemma?

First and foremost I made her aware of John Barrowman’s beautiful statement on being a geek. John Barrowman summarizes my “Frak the haters!” sentiment in a much more eloquent manner.


As fangirls, we have an obligation to support our fangirl foremothers – those who were never able to experience the community that we now enjoy.

The next time that you find yourself laughing at the Tumblr user over 30 (Get off my lawn kids!  We were in fandom while you were still in diapers!!), or asking yourself at what age you have to stop liking “trivial” things, or  just having fun in general, just remember that fangirling has no expiration date.

Modern fangirls have a responsibility to those who came before us.  We should fully appreciate our opportunities to express our love of all things sci-fi, superhero, or whatever your particular interest happens to be.

Always remember John Barrowman’s words.  Never become the “asshole”.  Life is hard enough.  Let people enjoy whatever helps them get through it.

Anatomy of a Fangirl Crush

“The fangirl may not live on a compound in southern Utah, but she usually has at least a dozen wives at her disposal. We contract lady crushes faster than we can immunize ourselves.”

– Kathleen Smith, The Fangirl Life

If you are a fangirl – or are blessed to have a fangirl in your life – then you know that we can catch feelings for a new character as quickly as a normal person can order a beverage at their favorite coffee shop.  Sometimes faster.


Throughout the years I’ve crushed on a number of worthy male characters

While I’ve crushed on both male and female characters, I will be the first to admit that I almost always fall for the women harder; and those crushes extend past the characters and onto the actresses portraying them with exceptional regularity. These crushes are more intense and longer-lasting (having forced me to watch hundreds of hours of really bad Lifetime movies. Hostile Makeover anyone?). Recently, I’ve developed a new crush and that got me thinking about the stages fangirls go through when we develop a new lady (or male) crush.


Feel free to insert your own joke here about how I have a very specific type

But first, some history: A year and a half ago, I decided that I needed to watch Stargate SG-1. My friend was watching at the time (she always gets me hooked on whatever she is watching) and I needed to understand all of her FEELSY messages.  So I started the series myself. Of course I immediately fell in love with Samantha Carter (and later Janet Fraiser, because JANET BBY). When I finished the series, I debated starting Stargate Atlantis, but ultimately put it off because I despised one of Atlantis‘s main characters, Rodney McKay.  However, this summer I decided that it was time!

Because I’d already watched SG-1, I was familiar with the character of Elizabeth Weir. I also knew that I preferred Torri Higginson’s warm and vulnerable Elizabeth to Jessica Steen’s distant, stand-offish portrayal. I remember messaging my friend and saying “I don’t like this blonde chick.” Her response was akin to “don’t worry, she gets replaced soon.”

I already had a mini-crush on (Torri’s) Weir from her SG-1 episodes and I figured that once I watched Atlantis, that it would turn into a full-blown crush. She met all of my criteria for “fictional ladies worthy of crushing”: a brilliant brunette in a position of leadership. (If you need clarification, look at the pictures above again)


No offense to Steen.  I just prefer my brilliant scientist leaders more…..brunette

Stage One: The Character Crush

This is the initial stage of any new crush. The fangirl becomes captivated by the wonderful character she’s just met and the way that the character exhibits her strengths and vulnerabilities. If that character is the sole leader charged with protecting her people from cylon, wraith, or wayward governments, stage one can happen almost immediately. Messages to your friends asking “WHY IS SHE SO GOOD?!?!?!” are par for the course at this stage.


I entered Stage 1 the moment that Elizabeth fought to get John Sheppard on her team – you know, ten minutes into the pilot.

If the character happens to be taken prisoner by hostile forces, but manages to talk her way out of the situation (with a quivering lip, no less) prepare for stage two, because it’s happening. It’s legit.  That happened.  Elizabeth Weir negotiated herself out of a hostage situation without having to surrender a single thing.  That’s how awesome she is.

Some characters never make it past the stage one crush.  That’s perfectly ok.  It doesn’t mean that you love Juliet Burke any less.  It just means that you want to spare everyone else from that level of suffering.

Stage Two: Recruitment

Fangirls are marvelous creatures who took our childhood lessons to heart.  We love sharing more than anything else in the universe (aside from our ladies). When we find a new show or character to flail over, the only thing that we want is to share the discovery with every other fangirl that we know. We begin steering every conversation toward the newest affection.


My fangirl motto

For example:

Sydney:  My birthday’s tomorrow.

Me: Excellent! You know how you should celebrate?  Watch Atlantis and flail over Elizabeth Weir with me!

Given the number of friends that I have brought to the Sanctuary fandom, I can confirm that the only thing better than flailing over a new crush is flailing over a new crush with your friends who are now equally crushing on her thanks to your help.


Do you have a moment to discuss Helen Magnus?

Unfortunately, as with all great female characters that my poor, unlucky heart has come to love, Elizabeth Weir’s story ends far too early.

Stage Three: Mourning

If you are an unlucky fangirl like I am, you spend a lot of time mourning your lost loves. I would compile a list of all the ladyloves this heart has mourned, but I’d never finish writing this blog after that. I’d just lay down on the floor and cry.

Mourning lost characters can take many different forms. With some, you stop watching the show for a while.  After Janet Fraiser died, I took an eight week hiatus from SG-1 in order to work out my feelings. When I realized my feelings would never be “worked out,” I figured I might as well finish the show.


The saddest episode in Stargate history

Sometimes, we live in complete denial.  After finishing Battlestar Galactica, I  absolutely refused to watch any of season four. Ever again. As far as I’m concerned, BSG ends right after the third season. Laura Roslin is healthy, happy, and alive.


Sometimes we consume every other piece of media that said actress has ever starred in.  However, take it from me, if your new crush is Elizabeth Weir, for the love of all fangirls everywhere, do NOT try to watch This Life.  Just don’t do it!  Ok?  No, I don’t want to talk about it.  JUST. DO. NOT. DO. IT. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.


Natalie Lawson may look sweet and innocent.  But do NOT fall for it.  She’s just waiting to rip your heart out and smash it into a million tiny pieces.

Stage Four: Crossover

The crossover crush is the terminal stage of any fangirl crush. You’ve exhausted all of Torri’s film and television credits and you’ve begun watching interviews, convention panels, and other assorted videos that you can find. When this happens, you’ve already crossed over.

At some point, you’re going to find a video in which Torri makes a random dolphin noise for absolutely no reason at all. (x) You are going to laugh, watch it a dozen times, and realize that you are dealing with a massive goober (which, is your last prerequisite for any IRL crush). Just go ahead and sign your heart away at this point.  She has it for as long as she wants it.


This nerd is smiling because she knows you’re powerless to escape

If you find yourself – or your fangirl friend – rolling around in a puddle of FEEEELS about a lady you had no idea existed just a few days ago, just remember that it’s a totally normal part of our nature. All of this has happened before and all of this will happen again. Over and over and over.

An Easy Step-By-Step Guide to Creating the Sanctuary in Sims 4

So, you’ve watched Sanctuary, you love the Sims, and you’ve decided that nothing will make you happier than recreating the Sanctuary. I am happy to assist you with this task in my easy, step-by-step guide! Simply follow this tutorial, and you too can have a Sim Sanctuary!

Step 1

First, you’ll want to find the largest plot available in Sims 4.  I used the 64×64 lot on the island in Windenburg for my Sanctuary because the water surrounding the lot best matched the Old City Sanctuary’s surroundings. Then, using a set of exterior shots of the Sanctuary, I did my best to replicate the exterior layout.  I had to make a few changes in order to fit within the confined space, but overall I was able to stay pretty true to the original.

blog 1

Sims Sanctuary (top) with the Old City Sanctuary (below) for comparison.

Step 2

Before getting started on the interior, it’s best to identify the most easily recognizable rooms. By looking through screen caps, I was able to locate the position of several main rooms.

sanctuary layout

I narrowed down these locations by looking both at the backgrounds as well as comparing windows, etc.

For rooms that aren’t readily obvious, you can still use views in windows for guidance. If water is visible, you know the room has to be on the back of the lot. If city views are visible, you know it has to be in one of the right-side buildings, or on the front of the mid-section.  (The cathedral on the left-hand side is completely abandoned, save for the chapel seen in Eulogy, Vigilante, and Chimera).

Step 3

Download AS MANY lamps, couches, artwork and tables as you can.  Seriously, the Sanctuary is huge.  Helen has art work and lamps everywhere! Her office alone has 15 lights. (Yes, I counted). Every hallway has either tables with various flowers and artwork, or couches and chairs. You will need a lot. When you think that you’ve downloaded enough custom content, download at least twenty more.  Of each.

I like to search The Sims Resource, Around the Sims and Mod the Sims for as many different styles as possible. I am a stickler for accuracy, so I look for items that are as close to screen accurate as possible.  Unfortunately, unless you are willing to take up creating your own custom content (which I’m considering), you’ll have to sacrifice some accuracy.

The Sims 4 does not have spiral staircases (as seen in the library) or elevators (seen in just about every episode of Sanctuary), so you’re already having to make a few compromises in order to build a Sims Sanctuary. Try – unsuccessfully – not to let this fret you.

Step 4

Some people would probably map out all of the rooms in the Sanctuary at one time.  However, I like to take the rooms that I know, place them first, and then go from there. I like to start with one of the most used rooms, and our first introduction to the Sanctuary – the foyer.


In Sims there is no easy way to create stairs with a landing in the middle, so decide that you are ok with the increasing Sanctuary-inspired rather than Sanctuary-accurate Sims lot and grudgingly accept this fact.  Go back to your exterior pictures and note that the main entrance is in the diagonally oriented building on the right side. Attempt to set staircases in this room.  Realize that you cannot place stairs on a diagonal in the Sims.

Get frustrated.

Look for mods or tutorials or cheats that will allow you to put stairs on an angle.  Turn up nothing.  Consider redoing the entire Sanctuary on an angle so that the only room you need stairs in can be accurate.  Realize that this is a bad idea (hopefully before you get halfway through the rotated Sanctuary). No, seriously.  It’s a really bad idea.  Stop thinking about it.

Get even more frustrated.

Decide you’ll work on a different room for now while you contemplate how best to handle the foyer situation.

Step 5

Decide to work on the library instead, since you have determined its location.  Examine screen shots from End of Nights. Curse the storyboarder, the director, the editor, and the visual effects supervisor who all managed to forget the actual location of the library in the second scene. Carry on with studying screen caps.

Start to build your library.  Remember that the library played a big role in season three with the map to Hollow Earth.  Study screen caps from Vigilante. Realize that the library in Vigilante negates the library in End of Nights.

Send your friend a scathing essay on how the room in which Helen and Nikola unlock the map to Hollow Earth can’t actually physically exist.


 Oh, it happened

Curse everyone involved with Sanctuary’s sets and visual effects (not Amanda.  Never Amanda).  Consider starting a petition, demanding that television shows develop and stick to strict floor plans for their locations.

Realize this is crazy; you’re getting too worked up about a room.

Settle with creating the Sanctuary as it was in End of Nights.

Step 6

You need something easy, something to take your mind off of how stressful this is becoming. At this point, work on Ashley’s room.  You have two options when it comes to this room.  You can use her layout from the series, or her room from the web series.  I prefer the regular series, because the webisodes were just crey-crey, but do whatever feels right to you.


I just really wanted an excuse to include Ashley’s flowered gun closet

The Sims 4 has lots of great exercise equipment.  And the punching bag is a wonderful addition since it’s featured heavily in Ashley’s room.  Throw as much equipment in there as you want, Ashley will use it all.

Feel pretty confident about how easy Ashley’s room was.

Step 7

Consider where you should put the foyer.  Decide that the only logical place for it is at the other entrance near the cathedral ruins.

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Decide that the foyer isn’t a total loss. It’s not perfect, but having the foyer at the wrong entrance is still manageable. Feel a new sense of confidence. Perhaps this Sanctuary will still turn out ok. Even if you can’t put stairs on a diagonal, and the visual artists don’t know where the library is, and everyone has to enter the building from the wrong entrance, it’s still the Sanctuary.

Step 8

Consider doing Helen’s office next.

Hold off.  You’re on such a roll now, consider doing the basement or sub-basement.

Start with the SHU.

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Ignore the doctor’s office in the corner for now.  It’s there just for reference materials.

On a roll now, go ahead and create Helen’s lab, her infirmary and her operating room. If you’re feeling really productive, create a wine cellar or Biggie’s secret hang out.

Step 9

Riding high on your success with the basement, decide it’s time to conquer Helen’s office! You know that her office is in tower, thanks to a fabulous pan out at the end of Revelations Part II.


Revelations Part II shows us that Helen’s office is in the South tower on the back end of the Sanctuary

But wait.  Doesn’t Helen’s office have two huge, long hallways off of it?  Yes, it does.  She walks through one of those hallways in EVERY. SINGLE. EPISODE.

Double check the Revelations shot.  Nope, they definitely pan out from the back tower.

Realize that Helen’s office cannot possibly exist in this space.  It defies the laws of physics.

Unless the Sanctuary is the blasted TARDIS there is ZERO chance that it can exist where they are telling you that it exists!

Question your entire existence – everything that you know.

Become visibly upset whenever someone brings up anything even closely related to Helen’s office: antiques, hallways, lamps,  people named Will, etc.

Curse everyone involved with the production again (still not you Amanda). Swear to write a paper calling out the inconsistency. Threaten to have it published so that the entire world can read of the failure on the part of the special effects company. Realize only two people would read that paper.

Rage quit the Sanctuary plan.  Uninstall Sims 4. Swear that you’ll never try to build another replica of anything. Swear to stop watching sci-fi, with their unrealistic expectations and refusal to abide by the laws of physics.

Wait six months.

Step 10

Decide you want to build a screen accurate version of the Sanctuary.